​Breaking generational patterns is hard AND very possible. 

Generational patterns are (unspoken and spoken) rules and norms within the family that are perpetuated from one generation to the next. This can include: relational dynamics, gender roles, poverty, abuse, thought and behavior patterns, education level, traumas, and physical illnesses, amongst others. ​

Breaking these cycles starts with one person believing they are worthy and deserving of more than just the status quo. It starts with one person daring to dream bigger and want more. Being the first one to challenge these long standing patterns takes courage, ambition, resilience, and an unwavering belief in oneself. 

As a first-generation immigrant, college graduate, and professional, I've been through many practical and unique psychological obstacles fist-generation individuals face.

Growing up with limited possibilities tends to leave a deeper emotional wound that often permeates long after tangible ways of success are accomplished.

​For example, even though you accomplished everything you set to, persisted through many obstacles and adversities, you might feel like you're faking your way through accomplishments, never truly feeling worthy of an abundant life. You might think that struggle and hardship is the only way to success. This deep seated belief is not always so obvious to us, but it can be recognized in self-sabotage, settling for less then what we want, and feeling guilty for success. 

Chasing big dreams and being the first one in your family to start creating a different narrative  requires continuous and intentional work.

At times, you might have to be your own cheerleader. People might not get you. Others will think it is impossible and unrealistic. But these are other people’s limitations and beliefs - you don’t have to take them on as your own beliefs.
 
The great thing about being the first one is that you get to create success on your own terms. 
 
It doesn’t happen overnight and it starts with seemingly small things: Having a difficult conversation with your partner (although you’ve never witnessed your parents having one), going to therapy (although your family & friends thinks that’s for “crazy people”), asking for a raise (although you’ve been told you should be happy to even have a job), prioritizing your career (although you “should” be married already), deciding to be a stay-at-home parent (although you should be having a “real” job), believing in that crazy dream (even though people around you say you should settle).
 
You are creating a different future for yourself and for those who will come after you. You may not be exactly where you want to be, but you are well on your way!

Making decisions is one of the most important things that attributes to us feeling as a creator of our life. Even though a lot of us are not aware of it (mainly because we do it subconsciously and on autopilot) we make many decisions throughout the day. Many of these decisions do not feel empowering. The reason for that is that they don’t help us get to where we want to be, they don’t help us create experiences that feel joyful, and they don’t bring us close to our goals and desires. More often, the opposite is true – they make us feel us stuck, powerless, and lead us to recreating more of what we don’t want.
 
One decision is all it takes to get out of the rut, start creating momentum, and change the dynamics of what is currently not working. Anyone can start making better decisions. Ones that will make us the creator of our circumstances rather than a victim of them and ones that will bring us closer to our goals and towards embodying the person we want to be.
 
Traps to Watch Out For:
 
1. Swimming in Futile Questions

Notice whether you’re asking yourself questions that can’t possibly be answered in the present. For example:
-Will it be worth it?
-What should I do?
-What’s the right decision?
-Will it turn out the way I want?
These kinds of questions at first may seem like they are productive, but they are not. They will keep you spinning in circles, they lead to nowhere, and will take up a substantial amount of energy and time. Swimming in useless questions will create thoughts and feelings of overwhelm, worry, fear, and powerlessness, and will not give you any answers because they are not designed to bring you answers.
 
2. Being Attached to the Outcome

When making decisions, we are wanting a specific outcome. But when we are overly attached to the outcome, there is a tendency to overanalyze all the options and become paralyzed in non-decision. Many times it is not because we simply want a specific outcome but because we feel like we NEED it. Needing something (attachment to the outcome) happens when we identify our worth as a person with an external accomplishment - we make the result mean something about who we are as people. We turn our result into supporting evidence for a general statement about ourselves. For example, “I need this to happen, because if it doesn’t, it will mean I am not capable,” versus “I would love for this to happen, but regardless of the result, it has nothing to do with who I am as a person.”
 
Better Questions to Ask Yourself:
-Does this decision support my best self?
-If I could be happy regardless of my decision, what would I choose?
 
 
3. Focusing on Certainty Instead of Probability

No matter how logical and sensible you are in your decision making, no one can guarantee you a certain outcome. And while there is no certainty of an outcome, there is a high probability of what might happen. For example, if you decide to invest in yourself by going back to school because you want a better job, no one can guarantee you will actually get a better job, but there is a high probability that you will have more opportunities then if you don’t take any action.
 
Better Question to Ask Yourself:
-If I chose this, what might be the best case scenario in a year, two, three?
-What’s the best case scenario if I don’t make a decision?
-What decision might I regret not making?


4. Labeling an Undesirable Outcome as a Mistake

Any outcome is simply information. If things don’t turn out the way you hoped or you keep getting stuck over and over on the same thing, this is an invitation to evaluate what needs to be changed. Oftentimes, what we label as a mistake, leads us towards something else, many times, towards something better.
 
Better Questions to Ask Yourself:
-What would I choose if I’m not scared of making a mistake?
-What would a person who love themselves do?
 
5. Urgency to Decide
​
This happens when we are scared to fail, so we make decisions wanting not to fail versus to succeed, which leads to attempts to minimize the risk and make a “safe” decision. By asking yourself what is the intention behind your decision, you can notice whether it is coming from a place of fear versus authenticity. Mind you, there is nothing wrong in making the “safe” decision, because as long as you are consciously choosing it, it is an authentic decision.
 
Better Question to Ask Yourself:
-Will this decision help me become more of myself?
-If I was the person I long to be (courageous, authentic, compassionate, ambitious, peaceful, etc.) what would I do?
-Is this decision coming from a place of fear or authenticity?
 
Keep in mind that these questions don’t need to be utilized only when faced with big, lifechanging decisions. They are perfect for tackling daily decisions. The more you practice asking yourself why are you doing what you’re doing, the more you are practicing conscious, authentic living that’s based in the present. Notice if you get into any of these traps and challenge yourself to come up with your own “better” questions.

​People around us are not always the most reliable source of support and insight. They might not understand our needs for change, they might know how to support us, or they might not even want to support change. At times, in attempts to appease their own discomfort they enable our (and likely their own) harmful behaviors & ways of being.
 
Implementing any new behaviors and experience is already challenging, but when those around you interfere in your progress because they are benefiting from your complacency, it can be much more difficult to be consistent and patient with yourself in the process.
 
Ways in which others show resistance.
 
People around you might resist the change by trying to discourage you, giving you ultimatums, being unsupportive, minimizing your desire for change and your efforts, convincing you how unnecessary change is, making fun of you, calling you selfish, trying to guilt you, making rude/insensitive comments, continuing to remark that the ‘old you’ was somehow better.
 
All of those things can add a layer of barrier to change, create self-doubt and shame, and then drive you to choose the same, familiar, and the known - even if it’s hurting you. But, if you find yourself waiting for other people’s permission to change your life and put yourself first, just know that you might wait forever.
 
You have to take care of you.
 
Remember that you are living your life and your life only. No matter how much we may want others to get onboard and be an endless source of support, our healing and change is always in our own hands. And while it is wonderful to have encouragement and accountability from others (and makes one’s life easier) it is not their responsibility to do anything for us. It is our responsibility to turn our desires into actions. It is our responsibility to create the desired change. It is in our power to give ourselves permission to pursue the life we long for. Others have power over us only when we let them, when we believe their words, and when we keep participating in dynamics that are hurtful to us.
 
What to do?
 
You might have to have a difficult conversation (if possible) and be curious about their resistance. You might have to distance yourself, create firmer boundaries, be assertive, seek unbiased support (therapist or a coach), or create a sustainable plan that won’t rely on their support. Be open minded without giving yourself up and losing sight of your desire to heal and grow. Be honest with yourself and always choose what is best for your wellbeing.
 
Take-aways!
 

• Wanting to take care of your emotional, spiritual, and physical health is not selfish – it is necessary!
• Don't wait for someone else's permission to prioritize your wellbeing.
• Emotionally mature people will support your growth and healing, not discourage it. They will delight in you being your best you!

For a while now, I felt called to work with individuals who are not necessarily struggling with mental health concerns or need healing, but instead are ready for their next growth opportunity. With honoring this passion of mine, I am excited to now offer online coaching in addition to psychotherapy!

How does coaching help?

When we are so deeply fused with our thoughts and feelings (as most of us are), we cannot objectively see outside of ourselves. We believe the things that our mind creates, and oftentimes, this keeps us in the cycle of fear, self-loathing, anxiety, criticism, doubt, or overthinking. This is why coaching can be valuable - it helps us see and understand something that we can’t see ourselves because we are in it.
 
Psychotherapy and coaching serve different needs at different points in one’s life.
 
Therapy helps when someone is deep in their struggles and unable to find a way to untangle themselves from pain, regret, and suffering. If you feel like you live on autopilot, constantly repeating old behaviors and thought patterns that keep you stuck and deeply sad, or if you keep turning towards the past and need a place to process and make sense of how it is affecting you in the present moment, therapy can help. In my own therapy, I gained insight and awareness of the beliefs that were (subconsciously) guiding my actions, how and when I learned to believe them, and how they were hindering me from living the life I wanted for myself.  
 
Once you go through your own healing and growth, you may come to the point where you feel as if you could do, be, and have more. This may involve the process of discovering your true self and aligning your actions with your new beliefs and values. As you start striving forward, you will realize that, while you can’t change anything that happened in the past, you can create the life that is ahead of you. It is as if you start remembering that you are no longer a helpless child waiting to be saved and that it is up to you to take responsibility for your life. Coaching and personal development helped me understand my fears that kept coming up (and still do :)) any time I was moving closer to my goals and how they were trying to keep me in the same, old, comfortable place I so desperately wanted to leave behind.
 
While I believe that continuous investment in my own personal and professional growth never truly ends, I’m excited and honored to be at the point where I have the tools to help others overcome their own limiting patterns and become the person they were meant to be.
 
Who I work with?
 
In my psychotherapy practice, I specialize in developmental trauma. I work with individuals who struggle to move on from the past and long to heal difficult childhood experiences and emotional neglect. This often shows up as “recreating” the same unwanted circumstances, self-sabotaging behaviors and thoughts, and emotional turmoil. Psychotherapy is often long term and a non-linear process of creating safety and understanding how behaviors that were once helpful, now create constriction and limitation in the present.
 
In my coaching practice, I work with those who are eager to move onto that next step of inner transformation and change. I’m passionate about helping new - and first generation professionals overcome impostor syndrome and master their mindset so they can accomplish their goals and feel confident and deserving of an abundant, fulfilled life. Also, I love helping those wanting to create healthy habits and lifestyle changes that will support their wellbeing long term. These two areas combine my main passions, striving for professional and personal fulfillment. My mission in my own life is to keep becoming the best version of myself and keep creating the life I desire instead of recreating the one that I was born into. And that is what I want to help others achieve for themselves, whether it’s through psychotherapy or coaching.
 
If you need support with getting started and reaching your goals, I would love to hear from you! Check out my Coaching page and reach out for a free consultation. Let’s get started!