Recently I had an opportunity to be a guest on Next Quest Podcast where I shared about myself, about being a therapist, and how we can grow beyond patterns that restrict our life and limit our growth. I'm sharing some of the main points we discussed in the podcast. As you read through,
see if you can distinguish your patterns and notice in which areas of your life are they prevalent.
 
What are limiting patterns and what are some examples?

Limiting patterns are learned adaptations. They are rigid, inflexible, and constricting ways in which we move through the world. These patterns can be reflected in the ways we perceive our personality, in our beliefs, thoughts, triggers, feelings, relationships, actions that constrict our healing and hinder our growth. Patterns that limit us come from a place of childhood wounding and they reflect an automatic reaction based in conditioning rather than a conscious choice based in the present, adult self. These patterns and beliefs run so deep that they feel as if they are unchangeable parts of who we are. Specific examples are: self-judgment, people pleasing, self-sabotaging, self-hatred, self-criticism, blaming, etc. Essentially, patterns can be any internal identifications or behaviors we are attached to that keep us from being grounded in a present and living a life that allows nuance, flexibility, self-compassion, and self-acceptance.
 
How do we develop these sorts of patterns?
 
During a time when we are most vulnerable we have to fit in and adapt to our environment, because as children, we are helpless and depend on those around us for our survival. These adaptations are ingenious, often subtle ways in which we contour ourselves to successfully navigate the family we are born into. We adapt by being highly attuned to our environment and our caregivers, and we figure out what it is that we need to do and who is it that we need to be to successfully navigate our environment. Oftentimes these patterns are a result of chronic misatunement from caregivers, which is a marker of complex trauma, and they affect psychological and biological functioning. They disrupt our natural development and create a distorted sense of self that we take as a truth of who we are. Social and cultural norms play a big role in this as well. Oftentimes we adapt by foreclosing parts of ourselves that somehow feel threatening or unsafe to show, or that are culturally or socially considered unacceptable. In these situations, one may feel compelled to compromise authenticity and true self-expression for safety and acceptance.
 
How do these patterns, in fact, limit us?
 
Patterns subconsciously guide us through life, restrict our authentic expression and prevent us from engaging with life from a place of personal autonomy, responsibility, choice, and awareness. When we operate from these patterns we are responding from a place of a wounded child, not from a place of an adult that has resources and does not have to rely on false, adopted identities in order to move through life. When we are unaware of being driven by these patterns, we tend to rely on rigid, self-imposed “shoulds” to make decisions. Another way in which these patterns limit us is that they get in a way of living life more fully, authentically, with ease, creativity, and peace. They make life more black and white, and prevent us from seeing our humanness in its nuance, curiosity, complexity, and compassion.
 
What can we do outside of therapy or in addition to therapy to grow beyond these patterns?
 
Although therapy can be one of the best ways to deepen our self-exploration and learn how to relate to ourselves with more compassion and self-trust, there are tools and practices we can utilize outside of (or in addition to) therapy. Self-reflection and curiosity will be keys for increasing our awareness and bringing us to a place of choice and embodying resilience. An important note is that self-reflection is not same as analyzing and overthinking; it is different in a way that there is no self-judgment and identifying with the content of our thoughts and feelings, rather, there is a curious observation. Self-reflection is an invitation to turn inwards, tune out the noise, and connect to one’s inner world with an intention to explore. This kind of exploration is based on getting to know oneself on a deeper level without the goal of getting somewhere, evaluating, and comparing. The excitement of it is in allowing ourselves to be surprised by what new parts we might discover about ourselves.
 
 
If you’d like to begin a guided self-reflection practice, you can take a look at the guided journal I’ve created with the intention of facilitating self-exploration and increasing self-connection. Other ways of doing that is stream of consciousness journaling, where you allow yourself to simply journal about what is on your mind. You can pose yourself questions that will evoke interest and curiosity, and will make you go beyond what you think you already know about yourself. For example:
 
What am I telling myself about this?
What am I making this mean about me?
What have I not considered yet?
Have I chosen to think this away or have I adopted someone else’s view on this?
What am I not allowing myself to know?
What kind of life feels true to me? 
What are may values and how can I live by them?

I am beyond excited to announce that I have completed a year-long NARM® training (NeuroAffective Relational Model). NARM® is a cutting-edge model for working with attachment, relational, & developmental trauma. This approach works directly with trauma patterns of disconnection that deeply affect our identity, emotions, physiology, behavior, & relationships.

When we start shifting these patterns of self-sabotage, self-hatred, and disconnection, we stop responding to our current circumstances from childhood conditioning. Going through this training was incredibly impactful on a personal and professional level in many ways. I've learned about my own patterns and had some breakthroughs throughout the training (might make a separate post about that). What I most love about it is that it is extremely humanizing, non-pathologizing, and is oriented towards post-traumatic growth. So if you feel called to invest in yourself via depth-focused psychotherapy or personal growth coaching, contact me.

My style is rooted in self-inquiry, curiosity, and the human potential and my intention is to create a therapeutic environment that will bring forth a deeper connection to yourself and help you relate to yourself in a curious, compassionate way, leading towards higher self-awareness, self-trust, authentic choices, and personal freedom. 

This seems like a lot of words, but the bottom line is, you have the capacity to heal, grow, and thrive if you give yourself a chance. 

In the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower, there is a scene in which the protagonist asks his professor about why we pick people who treat us like we’re nothing, and his professor answers: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Of course we do. I’ve experienced this in my own life. Over the course of many years, I can clearly see how my circumstances always mirrored how I felt about myself. It was reflected in my relationships, in how I treated my body, and in my internal world and self-talk. ​​
 
I believe that how we see and feel about ourselves is the foundation, a blueprint if you will, from which we form other relationships and how we move through life. As you read, keep in mind that this is meant to be a guide for reflection and increased self-awareness, not self-judgement, so be gentle.
 
You may think to yourself, “I don’t really know what kind of relationship I have with myself.” Well, it is always reflected in your life. I don’t mean by the physical appearance but rather, how you truly feel about your life. Is it abundant with joy, laughter, adventure, meaning, health, connections, deep relationships, etc.? Are you creating new memories, or do most days feel gray and dull and you’re just ‘trying to get through it’?
 
Below, I’m sharing a few ways in which you can better understand your relationship with yourself. Keep reading and notice if there are any patterns you recognize in your life.
 
How you talk to yourself every single day.
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By this, I don’t necessarily mean speaking out loud to yourself (however, it could be), but rather what is that little voice in your head telling you most of the time; what kind of thoughts roam around your head. Do you tend to shame yourself, be judgmental, and self-critical? Well, we all do at times. But would you generally say that you like yourself or that you are your own worst critic? Are you overly focused on your ‘weaknesses’ and have a hard time letting go when you do or say something you thought was embarrassing? Are you trying hard to convey and maintain a certain image of yourself and struggle to show any “flaws” and “imperfections?” If you’re struggling to have an answer to these questions, imagine looking into your own mind. Spend a day just observing your thoughts. When you notice your mind wander, bring your attention back to observing your thoughts. Simply be curious as if you are meeting yourself and your inner world for the very first time.
 
Your actions and behaviors.

Do you spend your 24 hours on things that make you feel fulfilled at the end of the day, or do you end up feeling regretful, beating yourself up, and feeling out of control most of the time? Do you honor your passions, values, learning, and growth, or does it feel like you spend most of your days avoiding life and discomfort? Write down all of the things that you do during the day. We are creatures of habit, so what you do day-to-day is likely the same, hence, think of a typical day. Take a look at your list. Does it reflect time spent intentionally and meaningfully? What is something you would like to include more of in your days, and what seems to get in the way of you doing that? If you frequently feel like you’re just floating around from one thing to another, this exercise will give you a chance to slow down and chose what you want to be doing intentionally.
 
How you treat your body.

Also, how do you fuel your body? The way you nurture your body is so important. It will be the difference between feeling energized or depleted. Your body will rebel against not having good quality nutrients, or not having enough movement, or sleep. It will always tell you whether it is treated in the way that will propel vitality or fatigue, exhaustion, or lethargy. There is really no way around this one. For example, with our thoughts, over time we can learn how to change our thinking, but you can’t eat garbage and trick your body into believing that’s it’s good for you. What you put it is what you’ll get out, every single time. There is a plethora of research supporting the benefits of exercise and nutrition on mental health. This not to say that simply because someone works out and eats healthy it can be assumed they have a healthy mind and a healthy self-image. Another note, people have different nutritional needs and activity levels, but generally speaking, most of us have an idea of foods that make us feel sluggish and tired. I’m yet to see a person that thrives on a fast food diet.
 
Relationships with others.

Think about your current or last romantic relationship you had. How did you feel around this person most of the time? Did you feel like you can truly be yourself around them without judgment, or did you constantly have to watch what you said or did, felt flawed, or not worthy enough? Were you able to say ‘no’ to things that didn’t feel right, without feeling guilty? In a healthy relationship, one can compromise without feeling like they’re giving up themselves and their needs, and one is able to create boundaries still knowing they are valued and loved. Another important aspect to think about is, whether it seems like you keep attracting a specific type of a person over and over again. If you keep attracting kind and loving people and have great relationships, I’m guessing you’re not even reading this. But if you feel like you’re treated poorly and something feels wrong in your relationship - it’s an indication to listen to your gut feelings. Also, you could end up in a relationship with someone who appears like a decent human, but you either sabotage that or think that if this person was so great, they wouldn’t be with me.
If any of these resonate with you, there is a theory discussing this phenomenon. It’s called self-verification theory, and in a nutshell, it postulates that people prefer to be seen in the way they see themselves, and they will seek out interactions and people that will confirm their own self-image. Wait, what? For example, people who think positively of themselves will prefer to be around people who also see themselves positively. Ok that makes sense, but, when people have a negative self-image, they will prefer people who see them negatively, because it creates predictability.
 
Think about the areas of your life in which you feel like you are settling, giving up your needs and wants, or feel like there is more you could do, have, or be.

Many people come to therapy not being able to pinpoint why they are struggling. They just know that life isn’t fun and fulfilling, and they feel stuck, unhappy, numb, broken, anxious, or  depressed.
 
I believe this happens when we (unconsciously) keep navigating the world with strategies and identities that were once helpful, but they no longer are. A favorite metaphor of mine for this is trying to use an outdated map to navigate around new terrain. As children, we learn who we need to be to be accepted and loved, but as we become adults, those identities may start to feel tight and uncomfortable – like an old, unfitting suit.
 
I remember existing and being there, but not feeling seen.
 
Growing up in a traditional patriarchal household meant not challenging adults, especially men. You needed to be quiet and push down your expectations, needs, and wants. One of the unspoken rules was that when adults are in the room, children have to disappear. I don’t have any memories of us sitting at the table and having meaningful conversations or sharing experiences and lessons. In my family, what children had to say was irrelevant.
 
A specific memory that comes to mind is one of my dad coming home from work and whoever was sitting in the “good” chair had to get up. No one ever questioned this and over time we would make sure that this chair is empty for him to sit in. The same was with the TV. We had one TV in the living room/kitchen/bedroom and there was no debate as to what will be on. My dad had a saying that when he watches TV (his favorite past-time was, and still is, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee while watching sports) he must not hear a fly. Meaning my mom, my sister, and I had to be quiet. When we were silent and unnoticed, we were rewarded by him not being angry.
 
This was working, until it wasn’t.
 
These and many other instances, were something I haven’t thought about much throughout my life. I cognitively understood these experiences and promised myself that I am not going to have that type of marriage and that kind of life. But these messages were engrained in me so strongly that I wasn’t aware of how they were still playing out in my life as an adult.
 
That is, until I found myself in situations in which I had to either speak up, have an opinion, share about myself, be visible and noticed, and have a voice of my own.
 
Through continuous self-reflection, questioning, and learning, I realized that I was most comfortable when I am unnoticed, don’t bother anyone, don’t ask for what I want, don’t express anger and frustration, when I’m quiet and invisible, when I make myself small, and when I anticipate other’s needs and put mine aside.   
 
 I wanted more from life. 
 
Over time, I realized those old identities didn’t feel right anymore. The life I wanted, required me to let those identities go and learn new ways of being. I was no longer that helpless child being at the mercy of its environment. I didn’t have to make myself small and invisible just because that was something I knew how to do well. Those behaviors helped me survive in my family but keeping them didn’t feel necessary anymore.

Questions to ask yourself.
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• What was I praised for & encouraged to do more of?
• Were all parts of me equally accepted and validated?
• When something happened, did I feel safe to tell someone?
• Was I continuously shamed when… I felt angry, when I failed at something, when I wanted something just for myself, when I was proud of myself, when I disagreed…?
• Did I feel seen, understood, and valued most of the time?
• Did I feel like I could truly be myself?
• Are any of these old identities not working for me anymore?

Now as an adult you can learn how to give yourself what you need.

You can cultivate love and self-compassion for yourself as you are, with all the strengths and imperfections that you may deem so unacceptable.

You can welcome all parts of yourself and feel worthy without punishing yourself for your internal experiences. You can learn how to create a new map for the life you want and choose how you want to be instead of being driven by old patterns.

You can be you again.