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Staying Around People Who Are Hurtful is an Old Rule

2/6/2023

 
​There are so many situation in which we had no choice as children. We simply lived by the rules we learned and adopted them as truths. As children, we didn’t have a choice but to be around people who kept hurting us, but as adult we do. Staying in situations and with people who are hurtful is an old rule we no longer need to live by.
There is no point at which someone tells that those rules no longer apply and we get to choose which ones we want to keep and which ones we want to let go. We often takes old principles to adulthood not fully realizing that we no longer have to stay in situations or around people that keep hurting us. 

On Labels and Identities

1/3/2023

 
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Any labels you use to define yourself can become constrictions in the future.

​The problem with defining ourselves by something impermanent, like current circumstances, is that once we are no longer in those circumstances, the label stays, even though it no longer fits. 

We most notice the constriction of our past self-definitions when we feel called to grow into the next version of ourselves. 

Some examples of these labels and identities are: being poor, drinking, smoking, being an underachiever, procrastinator, perfectionist, a victim, misfit, and so on. 

Here are some things to reflect on:

  • What past identities and definitions have you outgrown?
  • How is that past identity constricting you now?
  • What would it be like to let it go?
  • What identity are you trying to fit into next?

​(Sometimes Overlooked) Signs of Growth

12/1/2022

 
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I have a vivid memory of the time I said something that, in the past would take me into a full shame and self-judgment spiral. But that time, there was lightness about it. I couldn't stop laughing at myself.

I felt that something was different about me. Unlike previous times, I didn't feel like that moment defined me in any way or that it made me flawed or broken. It was just a funny moment.

This moment made me think of other ways in which healing and growth shows up internally. 

  • Laughing at ourselves, taking things less seriously & personally

  • Seeking out more pleasure, fun, and joy

  • Being more creative, spontaneous, and open-minded
​
  • Giving yourself more choices
 
As we heal, we stop using all of our energy to control situations and to protect ourselves from perceived dangers.
 
And the less we do that, we have more energy (life force) to create and connect to experiences that are light and enjoyable.
 
We understand that our ‘mistakes’ don’t make us less worthy, capable, or lovable.
 
We feel free and see choices that previously weren’t obvious to us.
 
What would you add to this list? Have you noticed any similar shifts in yourself?

On Being Yourself

11/7/2022

 
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You’re not struggling to “be yourself.” You’re struggling because you believe you need to be someone else.

Being ourselves becomes difficult when we:

  • Believe that who we genuinely are is not lovable or good enough
  • Contort ourselves into the person we think we should be
  • Shrink all of our humanity and complexity into one “flaw”
  • Fear rejection if we fully show ourselves
  • Criticize and shame ourselves for who we are.
  • Believe having needs is needy
  • Pressure ourselves to be different
 
The being part is easy. What’s difficult are the internal pressures and painful stories we tell ourselves.
 
Next time you think you don’t know how to be yourself, notice:

  • What kinds of constrictions and pressures you’re putting on yourself
  • What are you afraid would happen if you let yourself be?
  • What are you telling yourself in that moment?

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Sladja Redner, MA, LPC, Certified NARM Therapist, Certified Life Coach 
  


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