Why Do I feel Guilty When I Put Myself First?

You know that feeling when you finally decide to do something that feels right for you—like canceling a plan you didn’t have energy for, saying no without an excuse, or deciding to leave a job or relationship that’s slowly draining your soul—and then right on cue, guilt shows up with its judgy little clipboard?

“You’re being selfish.”

“You should be more grateful.”

“Other people would love to be in your position.”

“Who do you think you are?”

“How will he feel if you do that?”

What guilt demands of you in that moment is obedience and loyalty to status quo.

What that voice of guilt is saying feels noble. It feel true. It feels righteous and moral. Guilt tends to mask itself as inner compass, but often it’s just the alarm system of conditioning that got wired into you way before you ever had a choice.

Guilt is Not Guidance

We’ve been trained to associate guilt with goodness. If you don’t feel guilty, you must be doing something wrong, right?

So you obey. You agree. You stay quiet.

You apologize for things you didn’t actually do wrong. You make yourself small so no one else feels uncomfortable.

We call it kindness. We call it being a team player. We call it loyalty.

But so often, it’s just fear. Fear of being seen as too much, too different, too self-focused. Fear of what might happen when we take our needs seriously, when we stop pretending that we like the things and people we don’t, when we finally show our real selves to the world.