How Not to Quit if You’re Serious About Change

Did you know that second Friday in January is known as Quitters Day? Yup, it’s the day by which most people abandon their new year’s resolutions.

But this is not really surprising.

When we set goals, we think about the person we want to be rather than who we actually are. We become tad delusional and think that on January 1st we will become a totally different person with a totally different lifestyle and habits. But then reality sets in and we revert back to our ‘old’ behaviors, doing what feels natural and comfortable to us.

The reality is, that simply deciding what we want isn’t enough. It requires continuous adjustment, giving up old ways, incorporating new ones, trial and error, shifting your mindset, and thinking in new ways.

Why do we struggle with initiating and maintaining new behaviors?

As human beings, we crave consistency. We become set in how we see ourselves and who we think we are. This self-image is located in our subconscious mind and based on how we see ourselves, it guides our behavior and actions. For example, in the past when I saw myself as a smoker, I would consistently go to buy cigarettes, but now that I’m a non-smoker, I don’t do that because smoking doesn’t match my identity. We have established habits and behave in predictable ways, think the same thoughts, and even have a range of familiar feelings that we experience most of the time. Essentially, we don’t deviate much from our set patterns and ways in which we see ourselves. When we set new year’s resolutions, we don’t think about what kind of person we need to be in order to align with new habits. 

When we set resolutions, we essentially claim that we will behave in ways that we generally don’t behave.

These new goals, most of the time go against our deeply ingrained identity and in a sense, require us to be a different person. Let’s say your goal is to work out five times a week starting January 1st, but you currently don’t work out at all. This behavior is not consistent with your current identity and will require a lot of effort to create and sustain. Your brain will work hard to keep you in your consistency of not working out, meaning it would take a lot of will power to intentionally keep doing the new behavior.

We can do new behaviors for a short while by relying on will power, but this wears off over time. New behaviors feel almost impossible to maintain for the long term, unless we change the way we see ourselves and practice new identities.  

Shifting The ‘Have, Be, Do’ Paradigm

We can’t reset who we are just because it’s a new year—our habits and ways of thinking follow us into the next calendar. Many resolutions fail because people think, “If I HAVE something, I’ll BE someone different, and then I’ll DO things differently.”

While this can lead to change, it’s effort-intensive and often unsustainable. A better approach is to flip this mindset to “BE -> DO -> HAVE.” Ask yourself: “Who do I need to BE to DO the things that align with my goals, so I can HAVE the results I want?” This approach focuses on identity first. To achieve goals like losing weight, exercising, or saving money, you need to become someone who is disciplined, can delay gratification, and embraces discomfort. By shifting your identity, the behaviors needed to reach your goals become natural extensions of who you are.

Here’s how not to quit if you’re serious about change!

 Tap into your intrinsic motivation

Why do you want to change this? There are no wrong answers, but you need to know what your reason is. Knowing your ‘why’ can make a world of difference as it creates an intrinsic motivation and desire to keep going when you struggle the most.

Pause before acting

We act on autopilot and don’t take a lot of time to think before we engage in behaviors. To really get to the core identity of change, practice pausing and thinking about what you are doing in any moment. Ask yourself: Did I choose this right now, or am I just doing this because it’s a habit? Is this what I want to be doing in this moment? Does this bring me closer or further from what I want for myself?
 
Think long-term

Anyone can stick with a new behavior for a short while, but it’s important to consider what will make this sustainable long-term. What will you need to adjust in order to make this a part of your life? How can you keep doing this for a long time, not just for a few weeks or months?
 
See it as if it’s already true

Can you imagine what your life would look life if this change was a part of your every day life. Having an image in your mind will not only solidify these changes but will work on a deeper level of embodying it as a part of your identity. Truly envision yourself living your life exactly how you want it to go, as if you already live as that person you want to become with having your goals achieved.
 
Done is better than perfect

Setting really high, unrealistic goals will likely set you up for failure. Start with smaller, manageable things that you can actually accomplish. Keep focusing on consistency and remember that what you do most of the time is what makes the difference.

 
Have a support system

One person changing something in any dynamics requires other people to adapt. If you notice overt or covert resistance from those around you, check in with them and see if they are willing to support you. Tell them specifically and directly how they can help you with your new behaviors and habits if they’re willing. 
      
Anticipate challenges
What are the obstacles that derailed you in the past? Knowing yourself, can you predict what might be the biggest challenge? Thinking about potential barriers is a way to set yourself up for success because if you know it’s coming, you can prepare for it.
 

Make it non-negotiable

This was one of the best pieces of advice someone gave me when I first started exercising. Every day, I used to decide whether I wanted to work out. This gave me plenty of opportunities to come up with excuses and it took a lot of mental energy for endless negotiation. But, when I stopped negotiating, I decided it was going to get done regardless of my motivation.

It’s not about perfection.

Remember that creating lasting change isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress and persistence. Embrace the process, focus on becoming the person who naturally lives and loves the life you desire, and be kind to yourself along the way. Keep in mind that every small step you take is a step closer to the future you’re working toward. Here’s to a year of growth, intention, and transformation!