If your mind doesn’t have something specific to focus on (i.e. creativity, finding solutions, accomplishing a goal, etc.) it will focus on the familiar and comfortable. That’s what minds do. Familiar and comfortable often includes behaviors, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and perceptions that directly go against what we most want for ourselves. Familiar and comfortable is most often not who we truly are and what we truly want, but it's what we learned at some point and then kept repeating, so it is easy and well known to us- it requires no effort. 

Breaking generational patterns is hard AND very possible. 

Generational patterns are (unspoken and spoken) rules and norms within the family that are perpetuated from one generation to the next. This can include: relational dynamics, gender roles, poverty, abuse, thought and behavior patterns, education level, traumas, and physical illnesses, amongst others. ​

In the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower, there is a scene in which the protagonist asks his professor about why we pick people who treat us like we’re nothing, and his professor answers: “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

…Do we?

I believe we do. I’ve experienced this in my own life. Over the course of many years, I can clearly see how my external experiences always mirrored how I felt about myself. It was reflected in my relationships, lack of boundaries, in how I treated my body, habits I engaged in, and certainly in the way I talked to myself. ​​

Making decisions is one of the most important things that attributes to us feeling as a creator of our life. Even though a lot of us are not aware of it (mainly because we do it subconsciously and on autopilot) we make many decisions throughout the day. Many of these decisions do not feel empowering. The reason for that is that they don’t help us get to where we want to be, they don’t help us create experiences that feel joyful, and they don’t bring us close to our goals and desires. More often, the opposite is true – they make us feel us stuck, powerless, and lead us to recreating more of what we don’t want.

You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to want something and not explain yourself. You are allowed to be grateful AND desire more. 
 
If a specific aspect of your life keeps being a source of stress, guilt, fear, anxiety, or anything that feels constricting, you have the freedom (and responsibility) to change it.

Words are extremely powerful. Words we use to define ourselves, others, our actions, relationships, and circumstances reveal a great deal about our internal world and how we approach life.

We all have moments or even extended periods of our life we wish we can get back. Now that we are older and wiser, our past choices may seem troublesome and we believe we would now choose differently. The more we dwell on past decisions & non-decisions and the more power we give to them, the more we sleepwalk through life. Our past decisions were based on the knowledge, resources, and experience we had at the time. Give yourself grace and an understanding that you didn't know what you know now and you did your best. Take the lessons, find the compassion for your past self, and start living in the present.

Recently I had an opportunity to be a guest on Next Quest Podcast where I shared about myself, about being a therapist, and how we can grow beyond patterns that restrict our life and limit our growth. I'm sharing some of the main points we discussed in the podcast. As you read through, see if you can distinguish your patterns and notice in which areas of your life are they prevalent.

I am beyond excited to announce that I have completed a year-long NARM® training (NeuroAffective Relational Model). NARM® is a cutting-edge model for working with attachment, relational, & developmental trauma. This approach works directly with trauma patterns of disconnection that deeply affect our identity, emotions, physiology, behavior, & relationships.

Maybe you feel that something is off and life doesn’t seem as full and rich as you imagine it could be. Maybe there’s a nudge telling you that something must change, but instead of trusting your intuition, you decide to wait for a sign. 

Many of us learned to not trust ourselves. Our internal experiences may not have been validated and our ideas and thoughts may have been dismissed or ridiculed, so we disconnected from our own intuition and wisdom. We learned to turn outside of ourselves for guidance, because we learn that it is not safe to trust ourselves.

Most timelines we set for ourselves are completely arbitrary. We take someone’s expectation of when we should start things and when we should finish them, and then we adopt it as the timeline to live by without ever questioning it.

​On any given day, there are so many different things to think about and manage, that it is easy to slip into stress, overwhelm, and mindlessness. In this state, it’s all about getting through and reacting instead of having a sense of ownership and deciding what needs to happen next. So, if you tried stressing about everything you do and don’t do, and it still didn’t solve your problems or made you more present to your life, here are a few things you can incorporate immediately to approach things in your life with more focus, clarity, and ease.

People around us are not always the most reliable source of support and insight. They might not understand our needs for change, they might know how to support us, or they might not even want to support change. At times, in attempts to appease their own discomfort they enable our (and likely their own) harmful behaviors & ways of being.

Reflections and self-inquiry are such powerful ways into our inner world. The key to an enriching reflection is curiosity. When we discover something we deem negative or bad about ourselves, many of us immediately start judging ourselves for it. If we anticipate that judgment may come up, we can notice it without engaging in it, and then observe it with curiosity. Keep this in mind when you do this exercise.

For a while now, I felt called to work with individuals who are not necessarily struggling with mental health concerns or need healing, but instead are ready for their next growth opportunity. With honoring this passion of mine, I am excited to now offer online coaching in addition to psychotherapy!

No matter how much we know within our minds that other people’s opinions of us do not matter, and what truly matters is only how we see ourselves, it is much more difficult to embody this notion with confidence and own it as truth.
 
When we feel a strong desire to pursue and do something that goes against a deep-seated self-image and identity, we usually say: “what will people think, that’s not how they know me,” or “I’ve never done that before,” or “they’ve never seen me in that role.” All that means is: “I need to behave in a way that’s familiar to others, and if I don’t, I’m afraid they will judge me.”

In retrospect, my story of how I became a therapist seems clear – as though everything that I’ve experienced was pointing to this direction, it all fits together perfectly. But, when I was in the midst of my personal and situational struggles, things didn’t seem as clear. It was difficult to understand there was a bigger purpose to it all, but now I know that there always was. If we follow our inner guidance and instinct, things always work out for us exactly as they need to.

Deep change takes giving up, discomfort, not knowing, trial and error, obstacles (both mental and physical), and radical belief in oneself! Wanting different results always requires a different action.
 
Being in that space between comfort of the known and the discomfort of change is where most people tend to give up, give in, take shortcuts, and try quick fixes. No shame in that, we all prefer to be comfortable - we want the easy route. But comfort is often constricting and it hinders experiencing the fullness of life, change, and growth.

“The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.” Carl Jung
 
There are many people that leave a mark on us throughout our lives. Some influence us in profound ways, too complex to fully grasp with our conscious mind.